Today is the one year mark of when Emily's life and our lives changed forever. March 9th last year was on a Sunday, and the day started like almost any other day. Emily had what we thought was an ear infection that wasn't going away, but we still let her go sell Girl Scout cookies in front of Albertons with her troop. I still remember not wanting to take her into urgent care because I was thinking that whatever she had "wasn't that serious." I remember the reaction of the Doctor at Palo Alto clinic reacting when she didn't hear Emily's left lung, and the alarm the X-Ray tech had when he saw her film. I also remember trying to take a picture of Emily on the stretcher as she was being loaded into the Ambulance, thinking it was almost "fun". I had no idea that we would be staying in the Pediatric Oncology floor that night. No idea really what Lymphoma was, and how this whole event would shape our lives. Emily's heart rate would climb to the mid 150's that day and stay there for 3 or 4 days. It was unbearable. I remember figuring out that she had a tumor by listening to the Doctors and nurses in the ER, and staying in denial about it. They were saying "her films aren't showing layering." I remember not wanting to tell her what floor she was being admitted to, because "maybe it's a mistake and she just has an infection" I remember her slipping and Tracy telling me "We are going to lose our baby." I remember going outside to take a break, and calling one of my best friends, Guy, who I knew would rally my network of friends, because I knew we were going to need support. I remember feeling scared and hopeless, and seeing that same expression on Tracy's face, and my Mom's face, and later when Grannie Carol and Grandpa Steve showed up. I remember walking outside of the E.R to a cluster of Televison vans and wondering what was going on, it was the same day that a Santa Clara Sheriff had fallen asleep at the wheel and killed two bicyclists. I also remember telling myself that there were people having a worse day that me, the parents of those two bikers. I remember going home very early on Monday morning, leaving Tracy and Emily at the hospital, and seriously wondering if I was ever going to see Emily alive again. To me, cancer was a certain death sentence. The next 4 to 6 weeks were the roughest I have ever experienced in my life, and I have had to deal with some pretty unpleasant things.
March 9th is just not a happy day for me to remember. However, there are a lot of amazing things that have happened since Emily has been diagnosed. We are blessed to have some of the best medical care in the world. Emily was able to go into remission on their first attempt, and to date she has stayed there. We were able to do a lot of things as a family despite dealing with Cancer, Blood Clots, and Chemotherapy. I feel like we almost did more things and were more out going than we were before her diagnosis. When I look back at our pictures from our Tahoe trips over the summer, Emily looks so sick, but she was still able to travel there, and to have a really good time. She went through so much during her first 9 months of treatment, she taught us all a lot about being brave, and how one can make the best of a truly challenging situation. She dealt with her baldness in a very mature and matter of a fact manner. I am proud of Emily, and also proud of Tracy, Haley and I, for the way we have dealt with this change in our lives.
I hope this next year goes as well as this past year. There will be challenges for sure and we are ready for them. I haven't said it in a while in the blog, but again I wanted to thank each and every one of you for keeping up with Emily's care, for your support of her and for Tracy Haley and I, we would have had a much harder time without it. I have posted 245 posting on the blog and had at least 30,000 page views on it. It's been very helpful to me to get my feelings out, and I hope it's been helpful and inspirational to you. This next year I plan to volunteer and give more back to help fight cancer, and raise awareness, I hope you do too.
Em's new hair
Happiness is a new head of thick hair.
Buddies
Dec the Halls
Emily decorating tree at Festival of Lights
Emily, Tracy, and Haley at Intuit's Winter Wonderland for kids.
Gingerbread House
Tracy and Emily at a Brownie Event
Really, we're in Hawaii.
Emily and Haley with Santa
Don't worry Haley he's nice.
Emily 1 day before Phase 4
Does anything beat Chocolate Cake?
Emily at AT&T Park
The Giants "Good luck charm"
Sunset at Tahoe
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Sisters at Tahoe Vista Beach
It doesn't get better than sisters spending time at the Lake
Thanks to Lori Smith, Emily's teacher, who participated in Relay for Life in Emily's honor.
Chris, Em, and Haley in SF
Emily Easter 2008
Happy Easter
Em in her hospital bed
20 comments:
Your family has been truly awe-inspiring this past year. I think Emily has matured about 3 years in the time of a single year and has continued to keep her good humor and enthusiasm. I am confident the worst of it is behind you and if I recall correctly, you have less than half of the treatment period to go now. I hope the upcoming year is filled with fun and joy and the treatments are entirely routine from here on out.
Celia
What an amazing year it has been. Emily's experience has taught us to enjoy everyone and everything we have in the moment, because in a moment everything can change. And no matter how bad things may seem for you, there is always someone else having a worse day who needs your love and support. Thank you, Pepper family for sharing every moment with us along the way.
Oh, my God, Hon. This post truly brought me to tears. I have many memories of that day, too.
I remember lying in bed with Emily, reading together, and suddenly noticing her respirations become so fast and shallow.
I remember I was filling up my tank on the way to work when you told me that she was going to be transported to Stanford in an ambulance and that I needed to meet her there.
I remember driving over 100mph on 280 so I could get there before she did.
I remember people honking at me as I cut them off on the campus streets leading to the hospital. I remember thinking, "But you don't understand! My child is in an ambulance by herself and we don't know what's wrong. I HAVE to get there NOW!"
I remember hearing the siren as the ambulance approached the ER, and Emily's scared face, crying, when the doors opened.
I remember our long days and nights on 2North at Packard, and poor sick Emily smiling and hugging each stuffed animal that was sent to her by all of you.
I remember when we told Emily, with the help of her wonderful child life therapist, Courtney, that she had cancer. I remember how she didn't speak for an entire day afterwards.
I remember stepping out of the hospital doors for the first time in 4 days and noticing that the world hadn't come to a screeching halt because my baby had cancer, and how uneasy I felt, transitioning between the cancer world and the regular world. I've since had to struggle with living in both those worlds at the same time, every day.
I remember almost catching a leprechaun in Emily's leprechaun trap at the hospital. Emily was so excited that the leprechaun had turned the toilet water green. We brought Emily home later that day.
Oh, this is a day of mixed emotions for me. In two days we will be at the halfway point in Em's treatment. Part of me says, only halfway? And part of me says think about how far we've come in a year. This day marks a year's time with Emily that we might not have even been able to spend with her. For that, I am grateful. :-)
Chris,
We have been so proud of how Emily, Haley, Tracy and you have handled this. We've shared the tears and the ups and downs of the last year with you and we will continue to be there for you and your family as the next year unfolds. Whatever way we can help you with, please don't hesitate. Even if its just to hold Emily's feet while she performs a somersault in the livingroom.....my recent favorite. With love!
Grampa Steve
Chris and Tracy, thank you for sharing this journey with the rest of us. You are an amazing family. I've followed Emily's progress throughout the year and am inspired by all of you. Your post (Chris) and comment (Tracy) certainly brought me to tears too!
As soon as it registered in my brain this morning that it was March 9th, I immediately flashed back to one year ago today when Grampa & I got a frantic phone call from Tracy just as we walked into Trader Joe's in Roseville. All I heard was that Emily was on her way to the hospital. I knew nothing else, but I remember my heart froze and my stomach ached with fear. We stopped shopping, drove directly home to Auburn, and waited for further news. As soon as we knew she had been admitted, we just got in the car and drove to Stanford, arriving around 11:30 PM that night, to find Tracy and Emily ensconced in a hospital room at Lucile Packard Hospital. Those next few days and weeks were the most frightening of my life. Seeing my granddaughter and my daughter in such pain was almost unbearable. I will never forget Emily being taken away on a gurney for one of the procedures and hearing her terrified screams diminishing as she went further down the hallway. I remember hanging on to Grandma Gail and Uncle Nick as we simultaneously burst into tears when they took her away. I remember all the thoughtful and caring friends who came to the hospital with food, gifts, and emotional support for the family. I remember Grampa Steve walking Haley around the hospital and keeping her occupied during all the waiting. I remember being amazed at Emily's ability to persevere in such adversity, being able to state her mind to all the doctors and nurses, and being able to take advantage of every opportunity to be a normal little girl in extremely abnormal situations. I remember being grateful to all the doctors and staff at Packard, including Courtney, who had to tell Emily she had cancer. The ups and downs of that first week were indicative of things to come all year. Emily has had to deal with shots, pills, needle pokes, surgical procedures, hair loss, depression, and much more. Throughout everything, Emily has taken every opportunity to have fun in the moment and to treasure everything that has been given to her. We have seen Emily take charge of her illness and be braver than anyone can ask a 6-year old to be. We are so proud of her and so honored we have been able to share this time with her. We are blessed to have her in our lives. We love you, Emily, and are so very proud of you and your parents and your sister, Haley. We love all of you and will be there to help in any way we can.
Love, Grannie
Emily, you are so amazing to all of us. We think of you and your family each and every day. We love your smile and our hearts break to think of the pain you have endured over the last year. Those Peppers sure are a special family. We send hugs and kisses from many miles away.
(sigh, reaching for kleenex)
What a beautiful post...beautiful because it's been a year and what an important milestone that is, beautiful because I can hear your voice telling this story and beautiful because it involves the prettiest lil' girl who's had the most tremendous courage. The Feb video posting made my jaw drop because of how directly Emily talks about things that most adults can't even bear to discuss. --and with such poise and ease. How old is she!??
Your family is amazing, without a doubt, but amazing for taking this load of caca and sharing it so it reaches others and exposes all the love/worry/fear/joy/accomplishment that's there. It really shows. Thank you for sharing this March 9th a-year-later posting and for discussing things that are so tender. I'm in awe of all four of you. Warm hugs from Denver, Jenelle
A whole year... it seems like it's been so much longer and at the same time shorter than that. Tragedies and Miracles everyday... Fear and Hope, prayers and more prayers. Gratitude. Love. In each moment, a celebration of life and love.
Thank you all for sharing and keeping us up to date. May God continue to bless each of you. We will continue to pray and pray and pray, and thank God for Emily, and all of you, being here with us.
Lots of love and prayers,
Auntie Diana ~^..^~ and Uncle Marty
Chris and Tracy - what a day, what a year-what a blog! I remember this day too - we were up at the Tracy's having dinner, Nancy got a call with the news "Emily has a tumor around her windpipe that in inoperable" - the room was stunned and silent. By the time we got home that night, I'd called my mom who was staying with Gail. No good news. I put down the phone and tried to convey to John what I'd just learned, without using a voice that my kids would notice was upset. But we all know by now that kids "get it" fast and need straight talk. My kids immediately knew something was wrong..."What's wrong with Emily? Will she be okay? " Emma asked me....I tried to answer but completely broke down "We don't know honey" I said. The first time my kids had seen me in such dispair - and the first time they'd had something horrible happen to a child they knew well. And then it was just a blur of days, week, months - cherishing your progress and stronger days, and feeling such saddness and pain for you all during the hard days. If there is one thing you have shown me - is how to seize the day. Your blog, though filled with a lot of challenges - is filled with a lot of fun experiences - what a lesson to share with us all- the ability to decide to go out for ice cream 'just because' - or head up to SF and stay in a hotel.
So as you reflect upon today- please know that many of us on the outside of this look at you and marvel how you did it - and do it- and know that you have in the midst of all this, been able to create loving family times together.
Big group hug!!!
xox
Jessica Rose
Dear Emily, Chris, Tracey and Haley,
Emily and your family have been such an inspiration to all of us over this past year. You have been so gracious to share this journey with us and I can only hope that the support you have received from the many people who have followed Emily's ups and downs has been a support to you.
You have provided so many people with invaluable information regarding this disease that affects so many. I wish Emily continued success and I look forward to seeing her dance on Thursday. Kudos to you Chris for the choice you are making to give back and help other children and families fighting similar battles.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Cathy Breit
Dear Chris and Tracy,
I am so grateful to Elaine and Susanne for getting me in contact with you guys right near the beginning when Em was diagnosed. It has been an honor and joy becoming friends (again and new) even though it was something so devastating that brought us together this way. I have loved the blog on the up days but especially on the down days and the end of this post is the reason why I say that. As a cancer survivor, one of the only things that makes sense AC (after cancer) is helping other people on their journeys with the beast. I will never forget the day I found out I had cancer and the first weeks afterwards. The fear, anxiety, madness and confusion that abound -- if I can ever help one person through one small moment of that, well it makes all of my own struggles worth something.
You are an amazing family and even though I haven't met Emily yet, she has inspired me more than you can ever imagine in this past year.
Love,
Jess
Dear Tracy, Chris, Emily and Haley,
You have been through so much in a year's time and continue to be such an inspiration. I will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate being able to read about Emily and what she's been up to, how she's been doing...completely thrilled seeing pictures of her smiling, saying in her video that she is feeling "fantastic". She is such a brave lil' gal with such an incredibly brave family by her side.
Can't wait to see Emily's performance on Thursday! :)
Love,
Lori
Your family's story is so inspirational and I have Emily in my thoughts and prayers all the time. She is beautiful and a total fighter!!
Chris & Tracy,
After reading both of your posts, Chris and I were in tears. You have been through so much, first shock, then denial, and finally, grim resolve to get through this ordeal and save Emily. She is truly a fighter and we can't believe how brave she has been through all of this. Loved her videos and have read all your posts, Chris. We remember a few days before the crisis a year ago, Emily was at our house running with Lucy, our dog, and seemed so healthy and happy, we just couldn't believe she was such a sick little girl. You have bonded as a family more than you ever would have and continued to have joy in your lives while dealing with cancer. We are so proud of all of you and wish you all the best in the future.
Love, Aunt Ann & Uncle Chris
Dearest Emily,
What a year we have all been through. Every day I prayed you would be healthy again. Never did I give up hope you would not let cancer defeat you. You are a strong little girl, a real fighter.
Almost every day I thought about how I have taken care of you each week when Tracy went to work, brginning when you were only a few months old, as I do now for both you and Haley. You were and still are my little girl companion, especially before Haley was born, when we would go to children's plays, to the Little People's park, ballet lessons, The Nutcracker in San Francisco, the SF Zoo, etc. As you get stronger and Haley grows older, we will do all those fun things again.
It was devastating a year ago when Chris called me to say you were on your way to Stanford Emergency alone in an ambulance. He wasn't sure Tracy would get there before you did, and would I hurry down. I think I made the trip in about 10minutes, in time to meet Tracy just before you arrived. I will never forget the terrified look on your face when the ambulance doors were opened. Tracy and I had a very hard time being brave for you, as we were both more frightened than you were.
The following days are a blur, mostly spent at the hospital with your parents, Grannie and Grampa Steve, Uncle Nick and many friends, never leaving you alone in that place so strange and now so very familiar. You were amazing, adapting to the hospital, learning very quickly how to operate the bed, to hook yourself up to various lines and machines, how to call the nurses and when to do so. You were so brave during all the procedures, soaking up all the names of the many medical procedures, machines (remember the "donut" machine? CT scanner) and medicines.
It has been a long year, with many good times, some difficult ones. We even managed to play with dolls when I spent the night during the Mexatrethate treatments. I gave everyone a little scare with my surgery, but you remained the focus for us all.
Such a brave girl you are. I am really proud of you, little love. Keep up the fight.
Love, Grandma
Dearest Chris and Tracy, TOny and I are at Gail's reading the blog. THank you for giving us so much of yourselves. This year, the hardest year I have ever witnessed in all my life, has ended with sweetness and hope for all of you and all of us, your friends. We love you so much, and are so very happy that Emily's treatment has been successful. carol and tony
Dearest Chris and Tracy, TOny and I are at Gail's reading the blog. THank you for giving us so much of yourselves. This year, the hardest year I have ever witnessed in all my life, has ended with sweetness and hope for all of you and all of us, your friends. We love you so much, and are so very happy that Emily's treatment has been successful. carol and tony
Hi,
I just found your blog site through another girl who has ALL (Mollie). My son Nicholas was diagnosed with ALL (T-cell) on 10/15/08. We are happy the hear that Emily is doing well and we will be thinking about you all. sincerely, Karen
nicholasshannonrocks.blogspot.com
Hi you guys! Aloha! It's Lauren. I just read your latest post. Emily is definitely an inspiration. I have been and will continue to pray for Emily's continued recovery and your family. I can relate a little to what you wrote about in this last entry. I can def relate to not knowing what was going to happen to me a few times when I was younger due to medical problems that just came out of no where. There were also a couple of times the doctors told my parents they didnt' think I'd make it. But I fought the good fight and God carried me the rest of the way. I believe Emily has done the same thing and God has done the same for her. She's fought the good fight to get to this point and I believe she'll continue to do so. And as she does, she'll continue to teach us and be an inspiration to us all. I know she's one for me. Also, I'm working on a surprise for her that I'm going to send via e-mail. I'll let you know when I send it!
I hope to hear from you soon.
Would you tell Emily hi from me and I'm praying for her? Please?God loves you
Lauren
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